Code Red

So I’m going to officially call it. I’m at Code Red. The way things have been, I really should be in hospital (or am very close to) and the Caterpillar should be on extensive break from me (or have some significant external input).

What is wrong with me?

I have fought so hard to steer clear of history repeating itself. I have grieved so hard the loss created by this behaviour, yet I’m back there. I am angry at so much, but mostly I am angry I have not gotten off this road and find myself at this destructive chaos that already cost me someone good, AGAIN.

I can see the good this road has been, but right now where I’m at is choked with a mass of self-doubt, grief, anger and insecurity. Life just feels like a vast terrain filled with crashed failures for me. Got told by Mr Caterpillar tonight that my stomach is too big, and if I hadn’t already picked up the message, he would like me to start growing a baby because he likes babies.

Reality check mate, I have an arsenal of medicines (that are currently doing nothing for me – having a glass of wine before dinner is more effective, go figure that one) and those plus previous ones have contributed to this unhealthy figure plus mental health doesn’t really leave you much energy to be active.

As for the baby front, told him I want to secure a daddy first before I consider another baby. Likelihood of that happening, probably zilch, but minor details. I can still decide on how I want things to pan out from here (I’m not that crazy yet, I’d like to believe).

So I have been meaning to post this, in like forever. I think this artwork and the unanswered phonecall to the Stick really broke through a lot of things for me. Just after those two, life fell into place. Which was good.

This was counselling homework. Was supposed to be merely letters to the people in my life, saying all the things I wanted to say.

But, do I ever do things the way I’m told?

I started to walk  home from counselling that day, and paused at the shops for some time to think. I grabbed pen and paper and for a good deal of time just wrote and wrote. Cried heaps along the way, it was healing to just make the mess I felt make sense. Memo to me though, sitting in the food court at the shops around lunchtime on an empty stomach isn’t the brightest idea.

So the artwork accompanies the text, which in reality turned out to be a mass soliloquy to everyone and yet no one in particular in my life. So please don’t come after me, sticking sections to our relationship. It may be nothing to do with you, may just be me getting feelings out on paper. Also this was written like 6 months ago. Times change. So do feelings.
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The world spins
I am broken
And where are you
In the sea of faces
All around
I should feel so lucky
Not alone

You choose to live a life
Away from me
I feel like I am barely
here hanging
So disjointed, fractured and confused
I feel like I am hurting you
By being here

I know my head is not so clear
So please remind me
Why I’m here
A part of you
Do I belong
Or am I a foreigner, passing through
Your familiar territory

I wear a chain
A hurricane of chaos
I panic
Out of fear
Knowing the capacity
Of what you can do to me
I don’t want to lose anything
Anymore

I want you
I want to be free

I need your help, deciphering what this all means
Can I trust you?
I want to trust
I don’t know if I can
Trust you
I don’t even trust me

Oh why can’t I be free
From the past
Between you and me
Things have changed now
Surely?
I have my limits now
And I’d like to think you can respect them

But what if you can’t?
What if I can’t?

I’ve seen that fallout
It hurts
The collateral is BIG
I’m talking huge.

I love you
Sometimes a little too much
Can love come with doubts?
I wonder if you look at me with doubt
Like I’ll ever amount to anything

I wonder that too

Since coming here
I feel so inadequate
Like here is the punishment
For all I’ve done so far
No one speaks to me about it
No one speaks

Instead all my head hears is what’s not being said
Expectations, regret.

Disappointment

Will you forgive me?

The world is spinning
And so am I
Will you catch me?

I am so scared
Scared to break
Scared to fall
I feel so crazy about it all
My head hangs weary
My body aches
I sit on a precipice
About to
Break

Everything’s changed
I feel left behind
I wonder if you think of me
Do I even cross your mind?
Or am I a memory
You get nostalgic about
But stays supressed
Every other day?

Maybe I pour myself out
Wayyy too much
Is there a hole?

All this
Stands between
It takes everything
To not run
I want to run
Hold me

Please

Why did I leave?
Why did I forget
My sanity,
My bed,
My___________

Help, I love you
Why does that feel
Like it is the most dangerous thing?

Our relationship is supposed to be close
But when I look at us
I feel nothing

Absolutely nothing
Shouldn’t love mean more, be more?
Than a cold wasteland
A vagabond
All I hear is white noise when you talk
I feel bad that my head doesn’t register
What you say
Then maybe you might look at me differently

Rather than a freakshow
Best for display
I want to be more, than ‘the pet’
Only kept under the family roof
I want to be in the family

Like a javelin’s two pointy ends
I am at two extremes
Hate the bad between us
Love the good
But the good grows stale and cold
While the bad burns a piercing
and unquenchable flame.

I fear the fact (and loathe it too)
That my greatest vulnerability
and source of pain
Comes not from
Outside my comfort
my ‘safety’ in this world

The nagging voice
My one true friend
An endless loop
Assuring me
Reminding me
“They broke your faith
They broke your trust
They will break you”
How can it know that
Surely it can’t know that!

But you don’t prove it wrong
Proving things
You wash your hands off it
“Your responsibility”
You might as well say it

My feelings make me hate you
And the only solution, it would
Seem
Is to remove the problem
Remove my feelings
Remove me

Why am I buried alive
In my feelings
Where are you?
Why there, not here
Beside me?

Beside me
By my side

Did I do something?
To reduce our relationship
To digital contact and rare
Phonecalls (on birthdays)
I DO NOT EXCEL
AT
CONVERSATIONS!!!
They make me squirm
They make me uneasy
I AM NOT A TALKER!!!
Have I spoken my point???

Forgiving you
Thanking you
I try but when I do
It seems like an awkward lie
Maybe it is the knowledge
I will never hear these things
From you

Can we fly away
To a moment
In time
Where the tension between us
Is gone?
All awkward aside
I’d like that

Thankyou
If you STILL are listening
By this point
This is probably the longest I have spoken
Straight
Uninterrupted
I am listener

Talking this much

Hurts

Like a volcano
Always erupting

Exploding

Is it possible to feel
Deathly numb
Explosive
At the same time?


So typing that all out for you was actually really cathartic (whatever that word means – I really do gather it’s a good thing related to the soul). I was able to reflect on how far I’ve come since originally writing it. Sure I may be at that similar point of just an intense explosion of feelings, but underneath all that I’m so sure of myself.

One interesting thing that was pointed out to me by my counsellor is I kept saying I love you in that. I think it kept recurring because I genuinely was scared when riding out this deluge of feelings that that wouldn’t be conveyed. And I do love all folk close to me. Just I think with decisions made in relationships that’s added a pile of stuff on top of that love.

Why do I have a feeling I just picked out my psychotherapeutic lesson for the next few months. Learning to come back to the core of things. I think for the first time in what seems forever, an original song might be in there. It’s 3AM. Anything’s possible.

But first, I think I owe one Mr Caterpillar a massive apology. I’ve been a right royal Borderline mother. It sucks. He deserves so much better. I’ve had my moments this week where I’ve stopped and looked at myself in the mirror, thinking “What on earth am I doing, this kid would be better without me….” but that’s the mental health talking. Apart from God’s shaping of this spunky kid, I have had major hand in raising such a beautiful boy with an amazing golden heart. Can’t be doing that bad a job right? Besides, if that’s one lesson my mother has instilled so beautifully is that no mother is perfect. Sure her and I don’t see eye to eye on the state of the place or how I operate at times, but that’s where the lesson has come. To worry about ALL that sort of stuff, I would burn out more frequently and intensely.

So here goes (will get copied to a handmade card):

—————————————————————————

Dear Mr Caterpillar

Mummy is really sorry. She has been grumpy horrible mum this week, which has not been fun or fair for you.

Playing Lego is really fun and relaxing isn’t it? I’m so glad you enjoy your Lego. I enjoy building and making things too, like Lego and crafty stuff.

Thankyou for being Superhero Mr Caterpillar, who loves everyone so so so much. It makes me feel special to see how you love your friends and family.

I love you lots. I hope we have an amazing fun day together today.

From Mummy


Nearly 4AM now.

Reason I am up so early? My new downstairs neighbour doesn’t seem to be remotely aware that despite whatever reason he may be awake, others like to sleep at this time. Between this and other matters it’s going to be a LONG year ahead.

But again, maybe that’s another lesson in the works for me. Learning to be graceful in times like this.

Much love as always.

Stay safe, stay remotely sane, and stay beautifully spotty

TRSB XX

2017

Normally, my start of the year posts are bright and cheery, with talk of change and optimism for what the year might hold. 

Normally.

BUT if you know me well enough, does my life ever do normal?

No. It doesn’t. 

I’ve started this year in a really horrible state. I ventured near a psychotic rabbit hole and I’ve just been in a tailspin since. Hormones, holidays and this time of the year, and suddenly all three diagnosis are out to play. Aspergers, depression and the Borderline. I’m seeing the doctor in an hour, hopefully something can change. 

I really don’t want to end up in hospital again. 

I’m so close to making the two year anniversary since my last hospital stint. To me, that’s 731 days of a hell of a marathon called life. A lot has changed in that time. I’ve grown and changed so much in that time.

So why has my body now decided, unless there’s alcohol in my system, to be a wound up psychotic neurotic time bomb?

It’s honestly scary. Feels like I’m back at square one, to the days where there was more than depression present yet depression was all I was diagnosed with. I know what that behaviour entails, yet I’m there again….it scares me that I’m here in this state. The way this path plays out doesn’t look pretty.

I’m also annoyed with myself. I had plans to go back to university. Actually study on campus. But if I’m like this. This…..I won’t last a week in this state. 

Is this as good as it gets for me?

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